It’s morning again, and my alarm is twisting through my dreams, gently breaking and constricting, deconstructing them and my connection with their reality, until I’m left with a wide pallet bed, a high ceiling and rainy morning light filtering in from Prague outside.
The tense panic is slow to kick in today. I’ve done well recently. Not only have I done some work recently, with the prospect of some more in the near future, but I’m also getting better at catching this pointless worry. I’m a magician. I have a personal spiritual connection with my Universe. So much of my life is as I would like it. So why the hell do I wake up with the funk every morning?
I don’t want to dwell on it, but I do want to sit with it today, and gently get a sense of what it’s about. It really is counterproductive, starting my day in entirely the wrong state, so that everything that follows is a catch up, a rectification.
I’d like to share some of my days with you. I want to engage my spirituality with my daily life properly. There’s been times in the past, and good ones at that, but I want to integrate now; I want to become a fully spiritual man. Because dang, people! If we are the ones, if we are the hope, if we think we have a solid foundation with all that is, and a personal relationship with Spirit, we really oughta have our shit together, right?!
Yet most mornings I wake with this urgent discomfort.
It’s something to do with being behind. Being late, and running to catch up. I can think of many reasons for it, psychological and reflective of my perceptions of my life at the moment. I have what many people would regard as an idyllic lifestyle, but I do it on less than a quarter of what they would regard as a reasonable income. I am living well beyond my means; in such a good way, but good grief, it’s deeply uncomfortable sometimes. And if I can only close that gap a little, the quality of my life would improve to a great degree. I could pay my bills on time, and I love the feeling of that.
So just do it, right? Physician, heal thyself! I’ve done magick for others, and I’m connected to Spirit - why don’t I just sort it out?! Come on - either this stuff is real or it’s not! Is it some kind of confidence trick, wherein others believe more in my power to help them than I do? Or maybe I like the struggle? My alternative lifestyle that counts out the good bits of more conventional lives along with the nonsense?
Hmm. I don’t think that’s what it is. I’m beginning to think this is just down to bad habits.
I want to catch that early morning tendency to build angst into my day. Nip it in the bud straight away, and build something more positive in. Something that begets other positive thoughts, feelings, inclinations, people and situations. I deserve what I allow. Why am I allowing these demons space and resources in my day?
Yeah, there’s some Spirit work I can do, and spruce up the altar and so on. But let’s start with something practical. I bought a plain notebook - one of those really thin flimsy ones with a buff cardboard cover and about twenty plain pages in it. I wrote ‘Life’s a breeze’ on the cover. It sits by the bedside, and when I take off my glasses, wig and teeth at the end of my day, and place them beside my mobile they’re on top of the notebook.
Today when I finally managed to disable the snooze function within me, and found the corresponding button on the mobile, I put on my glasses and picked up the notebook. The urgency of the day was already building within me. What time is it? How much of the day has escaped already? I read the cover. Life’s a breeze. Mm. Yeah. I suppose. Feel like I’m trying to convince myself a bit. I open the cover to the first page and find:
“You’re already doing great. Now go and put the kettle on.”
And somehow that did it. It has to work. It has to resonate and change the focus.
I looked around, at this place where I was waking up at 10am because I could and put a pot of water on the gas. Slipped on some jeans and trainers and a Russian navy jersey and dropped downstairs to the cobbled street and the fine misty autumn rain and disturbed the newsagent’s cigarette to grab a pint of milk and a croissant. Back up to the flat where the tea was ready and the espresso macchina was on its way for the follow up. I opened the great wooden windows onto the courtyard and trees, and put the needle onto the vinyl. Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young. So I’m a hippy - like your taste’s so cutting edge! - would you admit to anyone what you’re listening to right now?! And Neil says “Here’s a new song that’s guaranteed to bring you right down. It’s called ‘Don’t let it bring you down’. It sorta starts real slow and then fizzles out altogether...”
And I’m laughing, looking at the album covers on the wall, eating fresh bread and butter with local ginger honey and making a start on that espresso, breathing the rain on the air and writing this. I look back at the next page of my notebook, and it says:
“You’re alive. That’s a great start to the day.”
Some everyday magic. It changed the mood of my first hour of the day. And over time, who knows what difference it might make?
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I want to use whatever I’ve got to make my life the best for me that it can possibly be. Don’t you? We’re the guys, aren’t we? I’ll let you know how I’m getting on, and try to share what worked and what didn’t along the way. I’ll be as honest as I can. But I feel that we should not only be totally digging our lives, but somehow leading the way. I suspect I already have the answers. But for many reasons I’m not using them as actively as I could. How about you?
Let me know. I want to share a little of my daily spiritual practicalities and proactivities, but it would be so much better if you could add to it. Pool our knowlege and experience(es).
I might even make this page look nicer!
Have a perfect day.
Tomas x
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